if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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