WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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