The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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