1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
