I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
