last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
