please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
