its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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