It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
