last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
