wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
