Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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