3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
