why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
