the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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