After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
