My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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