it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
