So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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