if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
