Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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