gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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