my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
