sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
