I faked an abortion last night.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
