The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You are a genius and a whore.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
