...so i touched it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
