true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
