His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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