you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
