I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
