theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
