When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I understand Curling. That high.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
