Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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