yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
BRING THE BAGELS
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
