batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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