I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
