my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
