it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
