My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
