i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
