I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
