So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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