Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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