So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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