I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
