Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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