I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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