so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
