Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
