You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
